月光傾城

I can still remember how I felt the day before I boarded an airplane for the first time (first class! And I spilt the complimentary drink the moment I sat down), how exciting I was, to the point that it was nauseating, and how it seemed like only a trick my parents were trying to pull on me. That was when I was about 7 or 8. There’s world beyond what I knew, and I was awed by the amazing scenery and ancient buildings in China. I also got to see and feel snow for the first time in my life, and was secretly hoping one day I can live in a place like that. Even today, even after been stuck on top of the mountain in the blizzard for 22 hours, I still find it romantic to live in a place that snows in winter. The idea of the quietness, the isolation, the loneliness, and the extremity of icy weather still fascinates me.

I remember clearly the first time I got to speak to and surround by people that looked totally like aliens, with light-colour eyeballs and hair, and they understood my English. That was in the States, and I was probably 11. (We joined an organised tour, and 9 out of 10 days we had Chinese food because the average age of our group is about 50. And not only because elderly don’t normally like trying new things, also in America there’s really not a lot of local delicacy to try anyway.) I remember trying to make a conversation with the bus driver on our way to Vegas, and a toddler on Waikiki beach tried to talk to me. The power of being able to make myself understood (which, unfortunately, I am still struggling with every single day!) planted a seed in my heart. I vowed to work and live in another country one day.

The thrill I experienced on the day that I set off all by myself to New Zealand in 2000, knowing that I was going to start a new life with a new horizon ahead and a dream-come-true, at the age of 18. Prior to that I failed the University entrance exam big time (according to family standard, but not many of them actually got to Uni level anyway), and I was considered to be the loser (probably still am). I was struggling to face my own failure (and preparing to study and repeat the whole thing again in a year time), and couldn’t figure out why my life was fucked-up and family turned their back to me the moment I failed to get into medical school. My parents were disappointed and all the relatives were laughing behind my back. (Well, to be honesty, they still think I am not good enough.)

Quite often I wonder, how I just go on whinging about how much I want to see the world and travel, is it just a dream, or can it actually come true one day. I seem to have so much in my mind, so much I want to do and achieve, but never get out and do anything except taking everything as it comes. I am full of opinions but never listen, full of criticism but never constructive. Short-tempered and bitter at times, I sit here and sulk about life but never set out a plan as how to improve it. How can I ever achieve anything if I only complain and sulk?

I want to move forward.

“The fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself.”---- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist.

The fear of change, the fear of failure, and the fear of uncertainty, is probably what’s stopping me from moving forward.

The Alchemist has always been one of my favourite books that inspired and changed my life. It helped me to realise that how I might seem to take many unexpected turns, and how at the end it always turned out to be wonderful. The paths were set and chosen, not by accident, but were destined for me to become who I am and what I am.

We all have moments of self-doubt. The anxiety, the anger, and the bitterness that seem to come as responses to the outside world can be overwhelming. But we don’t have to generate these toxins in our hearts that harm no one but ourselves. I keep telling myself that I am in charge of my own life, and I am the only one that’s responsible for my own happiness. Yes, yes, it’s easier said than done, but with that thought in my mind hopefully I can get out of that sort of shit pretty quickly. After all, my motto in life is “smile no matter what!”

Right! Enough of the bullshit about my philosophy in life, and my life story. This post is about my trip! I only mentioned the above crap because I am caught in between self-doubts and self-pity more often than I normally am, and I need something to keep the spirit up to take on the world; and of course my 10 week holidays!

This trip to Japan is not the first time for me to travel by myself, but it somehow signifies a change point in my life. I don’t know whether this is because life seems to be so stabilised at the moment and I just need something to shake it up, or because I simply busted a fuse in my brain and become neurotic, but deep down my heart is telling me that this is trip is sacred; it is going to become a landmark in my life. This, is as big as the flight that bought me to New Zealand, the day I kissed-goodbye my student life and started working fulltime, and, the drink that I spilt on my first fight.

I believe this trip is going to be life-changing! And this is why I am writing a prelude, to mark where I am before I depart for this mind-altering (!!!) journey of my life. I normally do this in my own language, but I suppose it never hurt to do things slightly differently.

And just in case I come back crazy and screwed-up, at least this can be a point of reference as to how mental I already was!

Also, thank you so much for putting up with my muttering, and I will try my best to update the detail of this “sacred trip”…… in English of course. Never really tried to write a whole article in English before (except for assignments :P), didn’t realise how tiring and difficult this is. Different mindset and different structure, and oh how limited my vocabulary is! If there’s anything in this post that doesn’t make sense to you, please let me know so I can try to make it up with more non-sense!

As for my other friends that prefer Chinese, I promise I’ll try to write in both!

Massive headache after this already! I wish I were half as keen when I was in uni! LOL

So! Bon voyage to myself! I am more ready than ever!